How personal and career change really happens

Whether we call it change, personal development or transformation, shifting our behaviour, and the thoughts and beliefs that sit behind it, is usually slow and demanding work.

You will often hear experts claiming they can help you transform your life or career through “one simple action or technique”. In my experience, this is rarely the case. Meaningful change usually requires attention, practice and commitment over time.

Here I am interested in intentional change. Where we want to change something about how we think, behave or respond. This might be to support our personal growth, career transition, to reduce stress or improve wellbeing.

Often, it is because something is not working as well as we would like. Perhaps we keep finding ourselves in the same situations, reacting in ways we later regret, or feeling stuck despite wanting things to be different.

Psychologists have proposed many different explanations for how change happens. Most recognise that our behaviour tends to follow patterns that develop over time.

Why we repeat the same patterns

Many of our reactions become habits without us realising it.

Over time we develop ways of responding to situations and people that often become automatic. However, what can start as a ‘reasonable’ response can become unhelpful in some circumstances.

These responses rarely appear out of nowhere. They are usually shaped by our past experiences, the assumptions we hold about ourselves and others, and the roles we have come to occupy in different areas of life.

For example, growing up, someone might have learned that the best way to get on in their family was to comply. In a work situation though this might show up as being unable to critically review plans and proposals, potential difficulties with saying ‘no’ or behaving assertively.

Someone else may have played the role of ‘organiser’. A helpful behaviour in many circumstances but not so useful in the workplace if they take-over and are unable to delegate.

Why awareness is the starting point for change

Meaningful change usually begins with greater awareness. It’s hard to change something we are not aware of.

You might notice that certain situations trigger a reaction in you that you don’t like. Perhaps, you realise that you interpret events and behaviours in a way that leaves you sceptical or negative. You may avoid certain types of conversation, overprepare, or feel responsible for things that are not entirely within your control.

Once you become aware of these patterns, it becomes easier to see what might need to change.

How real behavioural change happens

Understanding a pattern is an important step, but insight alone rarely produces change.

Change usually involves experimenting with different responses and behaviours. This might mean trying something small but unfamiliar. For example, imagining a protective boundary when dealing with someone who tends to draw you into defensiveness, deliberately noticing and recording the strengths you demonstrate, or using a simple breathing technique when your energy drops.

It could also mean reshaping something in your environment, cultivating your social support network or reframing your mindset in support of your desired future self.

Through practice, new responses gradually become easier and can lead to more lasting change.

This process requires patience. It often involves noticing what happens, reflecting on it, adjusting, and trying again.

How coaching can support this process

Coaching can provide a structured space to step back from day-to-day pressures and look more carefully at our thought and behaviour patterns.

The people who come to me are usually interested in understanding the wider pattern behind their difficulties. Rather than focusing only on the immediate behaviour, we step back and look more carefully at the wider pattern around it. For example, we might explore:

• when a particular difficulty tends to arise
• whether certain situations or people make it easier or harder to deal with
• the thoughts that appear in challenging moments
• the feelings and bodily reactions that accompany them
• how we tend to see ourselves in relation to others
• important relationships and the wider environment

Some people describe this deeper way of working as transformational coaching. The term is used in many different ways. For me, it refers to coaching that looks beyond the immediate problem to the wider patterns shaping how we think, feel and respond.

The aim is not endless analysis, but a clearer understanding of our default thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

Your role in the coaching process

Coaching is not something that is done to you. It requires your active participation.

You may be invited to observe your reactions more carefully, consider different perspectives or reflect on your relationship with yourself.

This process can sometimes feel uncomfortable, particularly when we notice habits or assumptions that we have carried for many years. But this awareness is often what allows meaningful change to begin.

The more openly you engage with the process, the more useful coaching is likely to be.